Defense Department to use plant life in War on Terror

A few weeks ago, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano travelled to Israel to get the hot scoop on the tiny nation’s seemingly impenetrable airport security. As a former resident and still frequent visitor, I can tell you that what she probably found, was racial profiling. If you even look like you might know a terrorist, let alone look like one, they’re going to do everything they can to keep you off that plane. Is it ethical? No. But does it work? Well, the numbers certainly suggest that it might. Israel has had a perfect score on airport security since 1972.

Die, terrorists!

Unfortunately for Janet “Big Sista” Napolitano, racial profiling is somewhat frowned upon here in the land of the free, so the government is turning to a new ally in the war against terror. No, it’s not Swamp Thing (like I’m sure we were all hoping). It’s flowers. This week the Department of Defense gave Colorado State University $8 million to develop strains of plants that will supposedly be able to detect all manner of explosive elements passing through their vicinity and alert authorities by changing color.

If this sounds like a long way to go to avoid offending people at airport security checkpoints, you may be right. As film and television have so clearly demonstrated, intelligent plants are to be greatly feared (Little Shop of Horrors, THE HAPPENING?!?! Need I go on?). No doubt they have beef with mankind, and once they get the taste for blood…. Well, there’s just no stopping them. Let’s just stick to picking out heavy beards for now.