Secret “national security payload” launched into Space

Keep an eye on the sky.

A rocket was launched yesterday from Vandenburg Air Force base carrying a highly secretive “national security payload.”

National Reconnaissance Office director Bruce Carlson denies his own existence.

The Minotaur 1 rocket, which can lift up to 1,278 pounds into orbit, is the 20th Minotaur rocket mission launched since 2000 and is supposedly carrying a “research and development” craft. Officials from the National Reconnaissance Office, whose sole vision statement is the suitably creepy motto, “Vigilance from above,” refused to give any further details as to the project’s purpose. Sounds like your creepy uncle installing a camera in your bedroom and telling you that he just wants to keep an eye on your doll collection.

Other than a giant ray gun, what could the government want sent into space to protect our national security? Here are some of the most popular theories:

  • Transcripts of former President Bush’s drunk texts to an individual, Codename: “Condi Cane.”
  • All existing copies of James Cameron’s straight-to-DVD release, Titanic 2: Rose’s Revenge.
  • A director’s cut of the Zapruder film.
  • Einstein’s unpublished theories on the relationship between time, women, and money.
  • The Clinton (Hilary) sex tape(s).
  • Just giving Fox McCloud a ride home.

More on this as it developed.